I am raging against my own body machine.
I am raging against my body since returning from the USA and having been in the hospital a few days there is a mental hurdle that I have yet to climb over.
The most surprising part is the willingness of the “other me” to rail against eating healthy where it craves to eat – just to eat and is never full. I had 2 days were my body was never satisfied and just kept wanting to eat. And TO BE FRANK, I kept feeding it on purpose.
I kept feeding myself to live through this day with an unbelievable amount of food to feel the challenge that I am up against. I will openly admit that I am myself a bit shocked over the desire to eat 7 pieces of pizza in 1 meal. I did it to shock myself into self realization of how destructive the behavior is to ones own well being and even existence.
Today, I am basking in the post guilt while feeling the desire to keep going. It is a simple admission that I have an addictive personality and Food as an addiction not used to eat for nutrition but to comfort myself. I acknowledge this a challenge and my condition of sitting in the hospital has tipped the scales towards desiring comfort over eating properly. Even if I don’t feel discomfort the willingness to be a victim and allow the scales to move towards deserving comfort is something I need to take up with myself. It is a destructive habit that plays itself out in many ways not just with eating.
All in All, I needed to feel the pull of these old habits and desires as it is easy to think they are gone when they are laying dormant. It is important not to forget and figure out strategies of what do to when it happens. Also, to feel that there is another side of me that is willing to throw the baby out with the bath water.
I am also very self aware and need to figure out to tackle this once and for all, even it is that I will need to pursue help outside of myself and create stronger habits. When I say I have an addictive personality, I mean I have tendency to easily attach myself to simple behaviors that make it easy for my own wheels to get stuck in the mud OR create positive habits and keep them running. It is a two way street …